aries sun, aquarius moon, libra rising
Media Roundup: Q2 2024
Hello Krish nation! It's been a while since I last wrote in my blog, and I'm back with another media roundup. Pretty soon after I wrote my last blog post, finals season kicked in, I immediately started traveling internationally to visit extended family, and then my health declined and started getting treated for it so I didn't have any time or energy to write any blog posts. I have to admit, it feels good to work on things for my site again after taking a bit of a break! ♡
Not spoiler free!
ʚɞ ⁺˖ ⸝⸝ Books, Graphic Novels, Manga and Webcomics
Media that I read this quarter either physically or through audiobooks.
↬ Lil' Dee in Home Free created by Vee Briat: The artstyle remids me a lot of the black and white comics I used to read in the newspaper as a child, so I was visually drawn in immediately. A short but sweet comic about a little creature learning to stand up for itself, and protecting itself the way it protects its loved one.
↬ Chainsaw Man Chapters 1-30 created by Tatsuki Fujimoto: I finally caved and started reading Chainsaw Man. This isn't the first time I've attempted to read this manga, I actually initially attempted back in 2021 after seeing some art of Kobeni, but I ended up giving it up because I couldn't get past some of the sexualization of the women it it. At the time, I didn't know that Denji was actually 17 and a child, so I was able to get through it this time with this lens. Honestly, I'll probably keep reading just for the sake of being able to understand popular animanga memes and references, but this series hasn't really won my heart over yet. I think I'm just someone who prefers girly/shoujo media these days.
↬ Dog Hause Chapters 1-108 by Moowsie: A couple of panels showed up on my Twitter FYP and caught my attention. It is an independent webcomic following the daily life of a dog girl named Maggie. It's four panal comic style makes digesting new comics short and sweet.
↬ Heartstrings Chapters 1-6 by Bev: A piece of art containing the two main characters showed up on my Tumblr feed, and I became intrigued enough to binge all avaliable chapters. I am a sucker for butchfemme / mascfemme sapphic relationships in fiction, and this webcomic feels catered for me specifically. Ro is 100% my type and I am projecting onto Isa so hard.
ʚɞ ⁺˖ ⸝⸝ Games
Games that I experienced this quarter either by playing them myself or watching let's players
↬ That's Not My Neighbor developed by Nacho Sama: A game set in 1955, where the job of a doorman is to protect the apartment's residents from dopplegangers. I think part of the reason why I fixated on this game for a while was because it reminds me of one of my favorite games, Papers Please, with less overarching story. I watched ManlyBadAssHero, Gab Smolders, Kubz Scouts, and BlackRose play this.
↬ Home Safety Hotline Created_ by Night Signal Entertainment: An incredibly compelling analog horror. You play as a phone line operator for the titular hotline. The Home Safety Hotline is an organization dedicated to managing supernatural emergencies in the real world, it starts with things like mice and mold but eventually involves creatures like the fae and leprechauns. The voice acting in this game is spectacular, unfourtunately some of the best performances in my opinion are hidden behind wrong answers. I watched Gab Smolders, Kubz Scoutz, and ManlyBadAssHero play this.
↬ Last Seen Online Created by Qwook: Short and sweet. The early windows XP inspired design was fun to see. A fun little brain teaser. I watched Kubz Scoutz play this.
↬ Class of '09 Created by SBN3: A couple of ridiculous soundbites from this game caught my attention from TikTok. I watched a Nyanner's VOD of her playing the game. Class of '09 self describes as "the anti-visual novel" because you play as an anime girl creating chaos in the lives of her suitors. This game genuinely felt like a fever dream. The voice acting is really what sold this game to me, I don't think that many of the jokes and lines would've hit as hard without it. It felt like I was watching an American adult animated comedy without feeling edgy just for the sake of it. It’s very entertaining if you don’t take it seriously and it matches your sense of humor. I was in elementary school in 2009 so I can't speak to the setting's historical accuracy, but it felt really nostalgic somehow.
↬ Class of '09: The Re-Up developed by SBN3: Not quite a remake or sequel to Class of '09, Re-Up is entirely new and unique content. One would benefit from having played the original game first, but they aren't directly connected story wise. There are fewer story paths than the original, but the paths do tend to be longer. I feel like the Re-Up leans into Nicole's sociopathy a bit more, and made her rooting for her harder (not a bad thing, I still enjoyed her as a protagonist!). In the original Nicole is mean and cruel at times, but no more than a normal high school student. Also, this game 100% confirmed to me that Nicole is sapphic. However, while Nicole is better off without any guys, any girls are too good for Nicole unironically.
↬ Friday Night Funkin' Week 8 developed by Funkin' Crew Inc.: I never thought I'd see an update from this game again, LOL. I was so excited to see Nene in game!
↬ Spirit Hunter: Death Mark II developed by Experience: I watched ManlyBadAssHero play the original game back in high school. I found the initial premise really interesting, but if I wasn't watching Gab Smolders play this I probabaly would've lost interest especially towards the end. It's a great sequel that can be played as a standalone game in my opinion. One gripe I had is the entire time I kept worrying it was going to slowfall into a creepy pedo story, and I am glad that it did not even when given The Biggest Chance.
↬ Disorder developed by Stoniedude : I watched ManlyBadassHero play this game. A fun game with interesting word puzzles and atmosphere.
↬ Closer the Distance Demo developed by Osmotic Studios : I watched Materwelonz play this game. Closer the Distance is a slice of life sim that showcases the emotional bonds of family and friends in the face of recent tragedy. I chose to watch because of Welonz's description of the game as a cross between Life is Strange and The Sims. I think that's a pretty accurate description. For a cozy looking game, I really experienced a lot of secondhand anxiety due to all of the overlapping charcter stories and the possibility of missing out on important happens due to The Sims like gameplay. I'm excited for the full game to come out.
ʚɞ ⁺˖ ⸝⸝ Movies
Movies that I watched this quarter.
↬ Bodies Bodies Bodies (2022) directed by Halina Reijn: This movie nails the way that Gen Z has evolved to be aware of social issues while still managing to show people's capacity to be selfish. A lot of Gen Z critique tends to be boiled down to "kids are whiny and ungrateful"— it rides the line of critiquing Gen Z while not showing them contempt well. A fun watch, the ending twist was funny to me.
↬ Easy A (2010) directed by Will Gluck: Loved Emma Stone in this. It's not revolutionary by any means, but it was fun! I love that the main character isn't a jackass, but just a regular girl trying to navigate high school and has a great relationship with her family.
↬ I Care a Lot (2020) directed by J Blakeson: I watched this movie with my dad as he suggested it. It's a movie about watching horrible people do horrible things. It's an interesting movie premise, but I hate the direction that they took the movie personally...there's not really anyone you want to root for, but I'll personally always root for the morally dubious lesbian, even if she's a crooked evil guardian that takes advantage of the elderly.
↬ Totally Killer (2023) directed by Nahnatchka Khan: I chose to watch this movie because a couple of clips from it were trending on TikTok, and I had somehow confused it with Bodies Bodies Bodies. When the infamous "Sweet Sixteen Killer" returns 35 years after his first murder spree to claim another victim, 17-year-old Jamie accidentally travels back in time to 1987, determined to stop the killer before he can start. Honestly, I didn't find this movie to be anything special, but I was entertained for two hours.
↬ Family Switch (2023) produced by Jennifer Garner: Saw that it starred Emma Myers, and chose to watch it because I love her. I wasn't expecting anything groundbreaking from this movie other than maybe a silly little comedy examining family bonds, and I did in fact get that. The dog and baby body switch was very funny.
↬ Juno (2007) directed by Jason Reitman: I ended up watching this movie because I somehow confused it to be Unpregnant— needless to say it took me by surprise when Juno ended up keeping her baby! The movie's a bit quirky, but it's done well for it's time I think. I saw Jason Bateman's reveal of being a total creep miles away as an adult, but I wonder if I would've been more surprised if I watched this movie for the first time when I was younger.
↬ Unpregnant (2020) directed by Rachel Lee Goldenberg: This was the movie I was actually looking for when I accidently watched Juno instead. A 17-year old Missouri teen named Veronica discovers she has gotten pregnant, a development that threatens to end her dreams of matriculating at an Ivy League college, and the career that will follow. For what it is, I enjoyed it! I was raised in a culture where abortion is nothing more than a medical procedure, and my grandmother was a gyno who never made abortion a big deal so it's not really a topic that I find sensitive. It's very much a middle of the road teen comedy about friendship.
↬ The Hunger Games: The Ballad of Songbirds & Snakes (2023) directed by Francis Lawrence (Rewatch): I've been wanting to rewatch this movie since first seeing it when it first released because I felt like there was a lot that I missed the first time around. In this prequel a young Coriolanus Snow mentors Lucy Gray Baird in the 10th annual Hunger Games while slowly falling for her. Maybe it's just because I'm not attracted to men, but I cannot understand anyone ever falling for Snow, it feel alien to me. A great backstory for Snow and backdrop to the Hunger Games trilogy though.
↬ Wonka (2023) directed by Paul King: I watched this movie on my flight home from India because I wanted to watch something relatively mindless while on a 14 hour flight. I was a fan of the related books as a child, but it's a children's series so I don't mind that this movie doesn't exactly align with the books. This movie is so unserious in the best way. I feel like they barely advertised that this movie is a musical, and then the opening lines of the movie are a song. I was a big fan of the guy that gagged at the thought of poor people, and the chocolate cartel as a whole? Hilarious. This isn't a movie that I would've watched if I wasn't trapped in a vessel in the sky for a little over half a day, but it's also not a movie I regret watching.
↬ 17 Again (2009) directed by Burr Steers (Rewatch): The first time I watched this movie was when I was in high school, but my memories of it were incredibly hazy. It's a bodyswap movie where a 30 year old Mike gets the chance to redo high school after regretting his decision to marry his pregnant high school girlfriend and throw away his promising basketball career. I am a sucker for movies about the concept of being given the chance to redo things in life, and this movie is an interesting take on it. Amazing message about how although it may be tempting to go back and do things "right", it is still possible to make things right in the life that you currently have. It's not an amazing film by any means, but an easy watch.
↬ My Sister's Keeper (2009) directed by Nick Cassavetes: I read the original book by Picoult back in 2022, and decided to watch this movie on a whim with my dad after he had asked me for reccomendations in general. The story revolves around the main character, Anna, suing her family for medical autonomy after spending the majority of her life as a medical donor for her older sister Kate. Kate has leukemia and Anna was conceived to specifically be a perfect match to donate blood and marrow for her, however Kate's condition has declined so much that she is now in need of a kidney from Anna. It's a really compelling narrative about personal autonomy vs. obligations to others and I love the premise. I went in knowing that the movie changed the ending of the book to have Kate die rather than Anna, so that part wasn't necessarily a shock to me but I wasn't happy with the ending regardless. In the movie, Kate reveals that she wants to die, and that she is the one pushing Anna to sue her parents for medical autonomy. Kate later dies peacefully in the hospital while Anna continues to live her life. I feel like by having Kate die, the main dilemma is bypassed because the character that we have expected all along to die has died. Maybe I'm just fussy because I read the original book and know what Picoult's wishes for the ending were, but my dad seemed content with the ending. I have a lot of thoughts and feelings about the ending of the original book as well, but I'll save that for another time.
ʚɞ ⁺˖ ⸝⸝ Podcasts
Podcasts that I listened to this quarter, whether it be me tuning in weekly or just listening to a singular episode because the topic interested me.
↬ Is it cringe to date my cousin? (w/ Jarvis Johnson & Jordan Adika) | Perfect Person Ep. 99 created by Miles Bonsignore: I chose to watch an episode of this podcast because I heard Jarvis and Jordan raving about their time on it while filming Sad Boyz. The person calling in this episode about their "cousin-dating" drama had my jaw dropping with every bit of new information they added.
↬ Do We Know Them? (All Episodes Published from April-June) created by Lily Marston and Jessi Smiles: This podcast is why I know anything about what drama is happening on the internet. I see that a lot of their recent criticism is that they don't cover niche, inconsequential TikTok drama anymore. I'm pretty indifferent towards what they cover, I just like having internet drama covered for me.
↬ Sad Boyz (All Episodes Published from April-June) created by Jarvis Johnson and Jordan Adika: Sad Boyz continues to be a source of comfort in my life.
↬ A Bit Fruity with Matt Bernstein (All Episodes Published from April-June) created by Matt Bernstein: I don't always watch episodes as soon as they come out, but they are usually about something culturally topical and I enjoy having someone else dissect it for me. I especially enjoyed the episode about Oli London and his right wing grift.
↬ Very Really Good (All Episodes Published from April-June) created by Kurtis Conner: I don't have a ton to say about this podcast other than it's easy to put on in the background while I'm doing other stuff.
↬ Just Trish (Bits and Pieces of Episodes Published from April-June) created by Trisha Paytas: I fell into a bit of a rabbithole this month where I found myself listening to a couple of Just Trish's podcast episodes in bits and pieces. I enjoyed some of her episodes that featured guests mostly, but I can't say I particularly care for the way that she covers internet happenings.
↬ Two Hot Takes (All Episodes Published from April-June) created by Morgan Absher: My favorite guilt pleasure podcast. I love sticking my nose in business that doesn't involve me, and that I'm able to have Reddit stories curated for me.
↬ The BCC Club (All Episodes Published from April-June) created by Sarah Schauer and Kendahl Landreth: I started watching this podcast because I was a fan of Violating Community Guidelines, and this podcast follows a similar formula. I personally prefer the dynamic of Sarah Schauer and Kendahl Landreth much more. Despite me generally enjoying both of their personalities, I don't think that I'll be continuing to tune in every week. They do a good job, but the content they cover doesn't really interest me anymore unfourtunately.
ʚɞ ⁺˖ ⸝⸝ Youtube
Youtube videos that left an impact on me in some way, shape, or form that I'd reccommend to others. I put on a lot of Youtube in the background while I am doing other things so it'd be impossible for me to list every video I watched, but these are the ones I have things to say about.
↬ Burn Book: I Fell for Caroline Calloway’s Never-Ending Scam created by D'Angello Wallace: This video was the first time that I had heard of Caroline Calloway. It's UNBELIAVABLE to think that this person is REAL and not a badly written Netflix character. I truly cannot get over how much Calloway referred to herself as an author without having written a single word. I love how every single interviewer looks so fed up with her. I don't blame them, she's incredibly annoying to listen to
↬ I was Scammed by Taylor Swift's Boyfriend created by Kat Blaque: In this video, Kat Blaque recounts the story of how her agency and her were scammed by someone pretending to be Travis Kelce. Not only is it shocking that someone as "experienced" with the internet was tricked by a scammer, it serves as a good example of "dead internet theory". Ultimately, Blaque says that this experience caused her want to return to her roots and start blogging again. I've been aware of the general public's tiredness towards general social media platforms, but it never fails to surprise me when I hear someone who has arguably "made it" on modern day social media express similar thoughts.
↬ The Plague of Food Interviews created by Scott Cramer: I don't really enjoy watching food based interview shows, so I enjoyed learning about why someone might enjoy watching them. The TLDR conclusion is that food is the ultimate social lubricant.
↬ The Try Guys Tell All created by Anthony Padilla: I was a really big Try Guys fan from around 2015ish-2019 while I was in high school. After they formally split from Buzzfeed, it's safe to say I became a more casual watcher. In this video, Keith and Zach talk about their reasoning behind creating a new streaming service for their content, and it ultimately boiled down to the following: YouTube's algorithm is unpredictable, and advertisers can take away their support at any moment. I relate a lot to this sentiment, it's the reason why I created a personal site afterall. I think that it's interesting how much better they handled launching their own streaming platform in comparison to Watcher Entertainment, which only happened a few weeks before this launch.
↬ How the Internet Fell Out of Love With Sia created by Kayla Says: I was a huge Sia fan from 2015-2019ish. Her music honestly meant a lot to me in high school, and This is Acting (+it's deluxe) got me through a lot of things. As a child I think I was enamored by the theatrics Sia would put on with her music, all while hiding her face with giant bows and wigs. Like most other people, I fell off the Sia train in 2020 with the release of her movie Music, and it's ill informed portrayal of autism. The way she reacted to the critism she rightfully earned was what dulled the sparkle her music had for me. This video helped me with reflecting on some of Sia's earlier career with new eyes. I didn't even know that Sia actually released new music May of this year, and I think that speaks volumes as to how her popularity has dwindled.
↬ Alexa Nikolas: The Dark Side of Online Activism created by Square Ruth: A video that caught my interest because of the Quiet on Set documentary. It's upsetting and horrible what happened to Nikolas, activism gets messy when money is involved. Yes, as a survivor, she doesn't owe anyone anything. But she hides behind this whenever she receives legitamate critisim. I think Alexa's voice and message could be powerful, but her making herself the "face" of this movement never completely sat right with me.
↬ Cars are getting dumber created by Drew Gooden: Something I put on in the background while getting ready for the day. I'm not really interested in cars, but I love having more reasons to hate Elon Musk.
↬ I Spent 200 Days Undercover as a Furry created by Anthony Po: I threw this on while shopping at Sam's Club. I was intrigued. When Anthony was willing to get down naked, that's when I knew that he was willing to do anything for whatever his 2026 video will be. It appears I watched this after some party footage was cut out, and honestly for good reason.
↬ I Faked An Alien Invasion In Florida created by Anthony Po: Another video by Anthony. I clicked this video because I initially thought that he was behind the "Miami Mall" incident. I was a little dissappointed to find out that he wasn't, but his entire alien invasion prank was hilarious. He may not have convinced the news outlets that there was an alien invasion, but he convinced Moistcr1tikal that he got a picture with Pedro Pascal, and that alone gets a gold star from me.
↬ Getting Meta with JARVIS JOHNSON created by Anthony Padilla: My favorite online creator is Jarvis Johnson, without a doubt. It's silly and I try not to have parasocial relationships with creators that I enjoy, but I've been watching Johnson since I was a high school senior and it's been really amazing seeing how far he's come.
↬ The History of Blingees created by Izzzyzzz: I feel like I've see Blingees around for as long as I've been on the internet. I never made any myself, but I LOVED them at their peak. Kuleshova's passion for blingees is so adorable and touching, her story was unexpected but I loved hearing about it.
↬ She's a Dangerous Stalker: Fiona Harvey's First Alleged First Victim Speaks to Piers Morgan created by Piers Morgan: I watched this because I found Baby Reindeer a compelling watch, and wanted to learn more about Harvey's first victim. This interview was unintentionally a great sequel to the Netflix series. I am wishing all of Harvey's victims peace during this time.
↬ Dramageddon 2...What Happened? and the SECRETS of dramageddon 2... created by Adam McIntyre: Some videos that I watched to pass time in long car rides during my trip abroad. I don't have a lot to say other than this drama was stupid. It was fun to watch these in a reflective way, but I wouldn't have watched these if I didn't have long trips to burn time on.
↬ The Ozempic Olympics: Hollywood is Ruining Our Health created by D'Angello Wallace: A video essay about the current Ozempic craze and how it's ruining our view on health. I can't say I learned anything new from this video because of the research I've done on Ozempic on my own, but I'm glad that Wallace dedicated some time to discussing how Ozempic is a genuine drug that some people to need to manage their conditions, and that not everyone who takes it is doing so to lose weight.
↬ Judge Steve Harvey Is Still Terrible created by Jarvis Johnson! GOLD a.k.a Jarvis Johnson: I do not care about Steve Harvey. However, I do care about clowning on Harvey when he pretends to be a lawyer. I loved listening to Lolo and Olay's takes on Harvey's court especially.
↬ do creators destroy companies? created by Swell Entertainment: A video by Swell about the effects of negative product reviews on Youtube and whether creators truly have the power to simply tank companies with their influence alone. In my opinion, if a single negative review manages to be enough to bring an entire company down alone, the answer is probably no. Let the records state that I watched this video when it was temporarily titled "Are creators destroy companies".
↬ they're building another titanic created by 2 Danny 2 Furious a.k.a Danny Gonzalez: Billionaires will recreate a tragic historical event before developing a moral compass.
↬ I found out I have ADHD. created by JaidenAnimations: Watched this video as I was falling asleep. Don't think I have ADHD myself, but enjoyed listening a creator I like's perspective of being newly diagnosed with it.
↬ Into The Muppet Joker's Twisted Mind created by STRANGE AOENS: There is nothing that could've prepared me for the contents of the video. I actually put watching this video off because I thought it was just going to be a video about some Muppets drama on tumblr, but it ended up being about some drama that I would've never been able to concoct myself in my wildest dreams. The horse drama of it all?? Unparalelled.
↬ deleting social media to focus on my own life created by aaliyah inspired: A video that I decided to watch to justify my decision to spend less time on social media. I found the creator's perspective interesting because she's a social media creator herself, so if anyone would have a reason to spend more time online it'd be her. A sentiment from this video I really agreed with was feeling overstimulated with all the influences and opinions to where I didn't even know myself anymore.
↬ How Precure Changed Magical Girls Forever created by Hayden the Historian: The Canadian dub of the original Precure franchise was my first anime, and it's a franchise that I hold near and dear to my heart. I kind expected this video to be an analysis of the the characters of Futari Wa, but enjoyed learning about the creators and why they made the particular choices they did while concepting the OG Precure.
↬ I Finally Read Colleen Hoover ... created by SAVY WRITES BOOKS: I only chose to watch this because I had a long car ride and needed something that filled the silence. Hoover sucking as an author isn't new to me as someone who runs adjacent to writing circles. I hate reading trash books but I love listening to educated writers and editors tear apart trash book. I find myself agreeing with Savy that this book could've been more profound if it was advertised as a book about an abusive relationship rather than a romance.
↬ you might not need therapy, just an adult hobby created by Alyxandria Ang: As an adult not currently in therapy, I am always a sucker for things that might help with my mental health that does not have anything to do with spending thousands of dollars to talk to someone. I agreed with a lot of the points in this video! There really is something really cool in giving yourself permission to fail and be bad at something without any pressure. It's made me realize that website development has become my adult hobby, and my mental health has improved a lot since starting this hobby.
↬ is living on a cruise ship the move? created by 2 Danny 2 Furious a.k.a. Danny Gonzalez: Believe it or not, the concept of just...living on a cruise ship is actually something that I've thought about before. Although I didn't ask to have this question answered, I'm happy to learn about why living on a cruise ship might not actually be a good move.
↬ A writer named KIM CHI got caught pretending to be Asian… because she wanted a literary agent created by Withcindy: As an asian person, why anyone would willingly fake being asian is SO beyond me. Is faking one's race ever worth it just to book a literary agent or get a book deal? To what I know, not really! How she thought she'd be able to get away with this is beyond me!
↬ Cursed Old Commercials created by 2 Danny 2 Furious a.k.a. Danny Gonzalez: I don't have a lot to say about this video other than why were old commercials so cursed, LOL.
↬ When Did Conspiracy Theories Get So Crazy? created by Kurtis Conner: Maybe it's just the circles that I run in, but I feel like the topic of conspiracy theories has really made a resurgance in the media recently. A fun video deep diving into a couple of these such theories.
↬ Charli XCX Does Recess Therapy created by Recess Therapy: Recess Therapy as a show always warms my heart, and I was very excited to watch an episode with one of my favorite musicians present! The girl who laughed manically is a true party girl.
↬ Instagram Dog Breeders Need To Stop created by Izzzyzzz: I don't know a lot about dogs and dog breeding (didn't grow up with pets), but I've always loosely been aware of how problematic drog breeders can be. My favorite kinds of videos are ones that go down deep, deep rabbitholes about random things that catch the creator's eye. Hearing about weird alpha-male-ification of the bulldog breed is not something I could've predicted.
↬ A Vtuber Convention Broke Me created by Swell Entertainment: A video where Swell discusses her experiences at a Vtuber convention. Title is kind of clickbait because she was already exhausted, it wasn't the convention itself that broke her.
↬ Smoking is Awesome created by Kurzgesagt – In a Nutshell: The clickbait title worked on me. Incredibly cheeky how this video started out sounding so positive, but ended on such a sour note. I'm not a smoker, and will never be a smoker if I can help it, but I found the way this video delivered this PSA incredibly intriguing.
↬ Reviewing Every Mental Illness created by JREG: I clicked this video out of pure curiousity as a psychology degree holder. Obviously this video is not serious at all, sometimes it's good to make fun of how ridiculous and silly some mental illnesses are.
↬ I didn't listen to music for 3 months (a science experiment) created by Lrnjulie: I clicked on this video because in the past I had watched her video I deleted all my social media and made a website. and was interested in this "experiment" from her_. _I personally wouldn't say that I suffer from a music addiction, but I do have a habit of relying on playing Youtube in the background as I do other things. It's something that I've been rotating around in my mind a lot actually— recently I've been becoming aware of the negative impact it's been having on me to divide my attention between something playing in the background and doing something in front of me. It has felt less like entertaining myself while doing mundane tasks and more like avoiding my own thoughts. The things that Lauren said about her mind becoming clearer after a month or two without music really made me want that for myself.
↬ If you can give me 20 minutes of your attention, I'll give you hours back. created by Josh Czuba: After the previously mentioned Lrnjulie video, I was reccomended this one. I have to agree with the top commenter's sentiments of "This video feels like it would be in a movie where all humanity's been possessed by social media and you're the last sane person trying to save the planet". Czuba's words about how we did not choose to live in the most stimulating, overwhelming time of human history ended up meaning a lot to me, and helped me forgive myself for having an internet addiction in the first place. Would 100% reccomend to anyone struggling right now with feeling overwhelmed and overstimulated by the internet.
↬ Nasty Cooking created by Jarvis Johnson GOLD! a.k.a Jarvis Johnson: A "junk food" video that's mostly about ragebait TikTok content. Sometimes it feels great to get mad over something stupid and pointless.
↬ Influencers are Going Broke created by WURLD: Nothing I didn't already know about the reality of influencing, but whenever I feel the itch to quit my current career path and pick up influcing, I watch a video essay about how it's all a scam. My biggest fear in life is a lack of stability in finances, so even if I was an influencer I'd need to have a normal job on the side.
↬ MrBeast's Website Is So Creepy created by Scott Is Struggling a.k.a Scott Cramer: A video about Mr.Beast's website and how Youtube stats work. Really appreciate Cramer's transparency with how things on the analytics side of Youtube work in this one.
↬ Internet Loneliness and Loss of Community created by Shanspeare: A pleasant video essay on how the internet has developed over the years and how it's managed to affect our sense of community. I don't have much to say beyond "the internet both helps and hurts us". There are so many things in my life that would not have been possible without the internet, but at the same time I feel like some of my mental illnesses I had when I was younger wouldn't have been as heighted without the internet.
↬ The Risks of Fast Fame created by Swell Entertainment: Like the title suggests, a video about how fast fame can be dangerous on a person's psyche. Swell primarily uses Chappell Roan's rapid rise to fame as an example for her thesis. Found myself agreeing with a lot she had to say.
↬ Whatever Happened to Profile Customization? created by Randy Moon: A video essay about profile customization and how it's evolved over the years. It's not anything I didn't know already, but I am happy everytime I see a video that talks about it. I just miss when the internet was more diverse than it is now. The more that people talk about how much customization has been taken away from us, the more likely that people are going to take steps to diversify the internet again.
↬ "Personal Style" Discourse! Should We Drop Aesthetic Labels & Micro-Trends? | Internet Analysis created by Tiffany Ferg: A video about personal style and micro trends. The concept of a collective loss of a personal style is so strange to me. Honestly, I think that people need to just get back in touch about what it is they like about the clothing they love. Back when I was more active on social media, I remember the strange dichotomy of wanting to be the most unique while also fitting in with current trends. Realizing that there was no way to win and that I should just wear what I like and curate my wardrobe around that is what finally finally broke me out of the mob mentally of micro trends.
↬ why don't i weigh the same as i did at 16? created by Nicole Rafiee: Something that I've been thinking about a lot lately is why I don't weigh the same as I did at 16. The last time I went to India before this summer was when I was 16 years old, so it's been really hard to avoid comparing the way I look now versus how I looked back then. This video served as a nice reminder that I'm just growing up.
↬ The Real Martha and Richard Gadd's Questionable Past created by Kat Blaque: Another video I clicked on because I enjoyed watching Baby Reindeer. I'm not a fan of how the person coming forward shits on people with cluster B personalities. I don’t think that she needed to pathologize him at all. All that being said, it doesn't excuse Gadd's chaser behavior and the role that he played in this situation.
↬ I Investigated the Frozen Yogurt Craze of 2010 created by Sam Reid: I love frozen yogurt, and honestly I prefer it over ice cream. One of the defining moments of my senior year of high school is when my local favorite frozen yogurt shop became a vape shop. Watching this video felt like healing a wound that I didn't know I had. I predict that in 10ish years we will see videos similar to this one about cookie places such as Crumbl and Insomnia Cookies.
↬ The Freaky Origin of the Limbless Anime Girl | Bad Art History created by scumbagovich: Unironically, this art was one of my favorite reaction images to use when the situation called for it. I am unsurprised that it's origins are less than wholesome. A short but sweet(bitter?) history of the viral image and how it came to be.
↬ The Curious Case Of Caroline Carr | Video Essay created by CalDoesLife: Haven't been active on TikTok for a long time, but one of the creators that I do remember from the time that I was is Caroline Carr. A summary of some of her controveries, doesn't cover everything because I definetly remember some that weren't mentioned in this video, LOL.
↬ The Rise And Fall Of The "Buzzfeed Gay" created by Queen Coke Francis: Yes, I did click this video because of the Chappell Roan reference. I, like many other people my age, used to think that working for Buzzfeed would be the "dream" job. Around the time I first realized that I was sapphic, I remember binge watching a bunch of Buzzfeed videos about queer topics. Interesting analysis of capitalism and how it ruins everything it touches.
↬ I (Politely) Infiltrated A Conservative Dating App created by Queen Coke Francis: A surprisingly wholesome look into a wasteland. I was somewhat familiar with _The Right Stuff before watching this video. _It's fascinating how bigots can be some of the nicest people you meet, as long as you don't identify as one of the minorities that they hate.
↬ I Fact-Checked Roseanne Barr (With Her Own Book) created by Queen Coke Francis: I actually had no idea who Rosanne Barr was before her strange conservative descent. I had no idea that she even had a book out. I could hardly believe how poignant some of the passages from Barr's book were. It just...really shocked me that someone with such endearing takes on womanhood, motherhood, and all other things could write the material that she writes today.
↬ I Watched Every FOX News Stand-Up Special So You Don't Have To created by Queen Coke Francis: Chose to watch this one after watching the previously mentioned Roseanne Barr video. What I got from this video is that comedy needs to figure out a way to stay in the middle. Comedy that panders to a particular political group is cheap and overdone for a quick "hot-take" laugh. A good comic needs to be able to piss everyone off at some point and make people laugh at things they might not necessarily agree with.
↬ performative cleanliness & the hygiene olympics created by WURLD: Ive always been a bit insecure about my hygeine habits, and the hygeine olympics playing out on social media right now certainly has not helped. As a person paranoid about their hygeine habits, I think the main issue I have about this whole debate is that people assume that your state of cleanliness says something about you as a person. In reality, it's a temporary state of being and people shouldn't be given a value judgement based on that. I will be considering watching Shanspeare's The Downfall of "Anti-hygeine" Influencers later.
ʚɞ ⁺˖ ⸝⸝ Misc. Media
Miscellaneous things I consumed this quarter that I want to log and share that don't fit in any other category. Includes but is not limited to: documentaries, short comics, essays, and articles.
↬ Brandy Hellville & the Cult of Fast Fashion directed by Eva Orner: Watched this because I saw people online talking about it. To be honest, I can't say that I learned anything new— growing up I was always too big to fit into Brandy clothes, so the store has always kind of been on my shitlist. I'm very rarely a hater but I love being a justified hater. I'm happy to have some facts and a documentary to point back to my hatred.
↬ Lead Balloon by Stillindigo: It's been a while since I've felt suicidal, and even longer since I last seriously made plans. But thinking back to the time of my life I was, this comic was extremely relatable. At the time, suicide really did feel like this: a lead balloon. Heavy but always there.
↬ Maintenance created by Crvptozoology: In this short comic, Bravely addresses the question, "what if a robot liked it (in a sexual way) when their creator performed upkeep on them and they were both girls???". I really loved the way intimacy is depicted in a non-conventional way. The robot recognizing what they felt as a "bug" but not wanting said "bug" fixed is really sweet.
↬ A Short Comic by Meowzanin33: A short comic on colorism and accepting your culture and appearance. Hit close to home as a darker-skinned Indian.
↬ Lesbian Grief by thehideoutt: I related to this short comic a lot. I first started identifying as bisexual when I was 13 and realized I like women, but reidentified as a lesbian when I was 16 and realized I had no interest in men at all. I don't relate to the idea of losing my purpose as a woman by accepting my sexuality, but I have had to grieve things in my life due to my sexuality. Rather than grieving for myself, I grieve the loss of the future my parents wanted for me.
↬ What Fanfiction Reveals About Society written by Daughter of Bilitis: Impulsive read while I was in the salon waiting for my mom to finish a mani/pedi. I honestly wasn't born with the "fangirl" gene; my last serious "fandoms" were MLP:FiM, the Dangan Ronpa franchise, and Steven Universe until I was about 16. I've never really felt inclined to consume fanwork of media I'm interested in unless it was fan art, so I never related to people who were into reading fanfiction. There's nothing wrong with it of course, just not my thing! Because of this, I found an analysis of what fanfiction reveals about society really intriguing because it's honestly a world completely foreign to me.
↬ Influenced created by Soph: A good representation of how social media contributes to fast fashion and consumerism. It's embarassing for current me to admit, but when I was in high school, I was a "niche internet microcelebrity". I spent a lot of time thinking about how to continue growing my platform and becoming popular enough that I could escape (what I perceived as) my mundane reality and live a life of fame and popularity. Thankfully I never shopped my way into any kind of debt to build a new wardrobe, but throughout those years I was mentally stripping myself of any kind of individuality I had, and I felt this idea represented within this short film. I see a lot of comments compare he creator's art style to Vewn.
↬ Ms. Mae's Doctors Office | Digital Horror Short created by Inky: A short film inspired by those really weird girlsgogames doctor flash games and Lacey's Wardrobe. I liked the art style a lot, and the shift from a "toony" artstyle to a more "realistic" artstyle when things start to get serious. An interesting representation of how doctors feel when dealing with child abuse care.
Media Roundup: Q1 2024
Throughout my time on the independent web, I've seen a lot of people have pages dedicated to things they've read, songs they've listened to, or games they've played. I've always wanted to do something similar on my site at some capacity, but my perfection kept getting to me. How do I categorize the media that I consume? Do I create a seperate layout for each page? What if I read something like an online article that I have thoughts about that I wish to share, where does it go because it's technically not a book? Would I have to create a seperate page and layout for articles I read too now? I spend a lot of time watching video essays. How do I share those?
I'm not sure why I didn't realize I could create blog posts inspired by a media diary post from a blog that I follow to serve as periodical media logs earlier!
The form of media that I'm into very much depends on the time of year and what other things I have going on in my life at the time; for example I've been in college this first quarter of 2024 and have been completely burnt out of reading for pleasure at the time of writing this. It becomes a lot less mentally taxing not have to worry about consistently having sparse, unupdated pages or redundant layouts on my site. I feel like I can focus on just getting down my thoughts about the things I consume, which is what I wanted in the first place. On a personal level, one of the ways that I reflect back on my life is through the media that I was consuming at a particular time, so having it all chronilogically grouped feels natural to me. I tend to get through media very slowly compared to others, so I believe that posting media roundups every 3ish months is the most managable for me and makes the most sense for the way that I operate.
This first round up is obviously a bit late because I figured out it's formatting and structure a little more than two-thirds into the first quarter of 2024, and is subject to edits as I randomly think about things and go: "oh yeah! I did read this short comic/play this game/watch this movie/etc. back in January/Feburary/March 2024, wanted to share some thoughts about it but didn't have a place to at the time.
General spoiler warning for everything that I choose to write about! I don't want to have to censor my feelings writing my media round ups.
ʚɞ ⁺˖ ⸝⸝ Books
Books that read this quarter either physically or through audiobooks.
Not a lot of reading these months because all of the focus I have for reading goes towards reading my school textbooks ://) haha
↬ I'm Glad My Mom Died written by Jennette McCurdy (Reread): Originally read this book summer of 2022, decided to come back to it after watching the Quiet on Set documentary. My heart hurt for McCurdy just as much if not more this time around. This book is a very candid account on the abuse McCurdy suffered at the hands of her narcissistic mother and how it became a part of her acting career. I never watched iCarly growing up yet enjoyed this memoir, so I certainly don't feel like knowledge of her acting history or her as a person are necessary to enjoy this book. I appreciated her sense of humor and wit while recounting her objectively traumatic life. I pray that McCurdy makes more from this book than Nickelodeon could’ve ever offered with their hush money, and she is able to pursue a fruitful writing career.
ʚɞ ⁺˖ ⸝⸝ Games
Games that I experienced this quarter either by playing them myself or watching let's players.
↬ Monster Parlor developed by MetaphysicalMonsters: I loved the unique designs. Beauty is pain.
↬ Welcome to the Karoshi Club developed by Kamishibai Interactive: This story follows Kenji Haishima, a former game developer trying to find a new job in our dystopian society. Reminds me heavily of Junji Ito vibes. Finding a job that won't exploit you these days is hard.
↬ Ghost Trick: Phantom Detective developed by Capcom: The story follows Sissel, an amnesiac ghost with supernatural powers, and his journey to rediscover his identity. I was super young the first time that this game was released, so this was my first time playing it. The early 2010s vibes it gave me were incredibly nostalgic. The puzzles were fun and I was not expecting the ending at ALL.
↬ Fia's Night Out developed by ArcadeKitten: Fia sneaks out to get what she wants and everything is normal. This game is ncredibly short but it's very sweet. I'm interested in seeing how it connects with the rest of the overarching ArcadeKitten lore...
↬ Buckshot Roulette developed by Mike Clubmika: I was obsessed with this game for like a week. I watched multiple different Let's Players play this game just because I was so intrigued by how different people would approach playing this game. There's not much of a story behind it, I just enjoy the strategy and whimsy behind this game.
↬ Open House Simulator developed by Corpsepile: In this economy? A good price for a house...just kidding! If you play, make sure to have the volume up.
↬ Thirsty Suitors developed by Outerloop Games: I watched Materwelonz play through this game, and I'm glad that I did. The story follows a young woman named Jala as she navigates a recent relationship break up and is haunted by her several exes. I was a big fan of the casual lgbt Indian representation in this game, and will probably be one of my favorites for this reason.
↬ Poppy Playtime Chapters 1-3 developed by Mob Entertainment: I literally only consumed this because DanandPhilGames played this. Surprisingly, I'm actually a big fan of the overarching story. I'm not a fangirl for it by any means, but I'll probably keep tuning in.
ʚɞ ⁺˖ ⸝⸝ Movies
Movies that I watched these past few months.
↬ Bottoms directed by Emma Seligman: I started a Kat Blaque video reviewing this movie not thinking that I was going to watch it, heard her refer to it as "Lesbian Fight Club" and immediately clicked out of her video to go watch the film for myself (Sorry Blaque...I came back to watch your review after watching Bottoms though!) and enjoyed it throughly.
ʚɞ ⁺˖ ⸝⸝ Podcasts
Podcasts that I listened to this quarter, whether it be me tuning in weekly or just listening to a singular episode because the topic interested me.
↬ A Bit Fruity with Matt Berstein: I was previously aquanited with Matt Berstein through their Instagram social activism posts, so when a podcast episode of thiers popped up on my reccommended I decided to give them a listen. Matt gives a very calm energy in all of their epidodes, and I'm a fan of all the guests that are brought on.
↬ Two Hot Takes: My guilty pleasure podcast. I am too lazy to spend time on Reddit myself so I love that there is someone out there to do the curating and reading them out loud for me.
↬ Very Really Good Podcast: I am a proud citizen of Kurtistown, so of course I will listen to my mayor yap. I put this on in the background when I don't want to be sitting in complete silence, but also don't want a podcast I need to deeply be paying attention to. I have no idea how this man sustains a podcast all by himself.
↬ The BCC Podcast: I was a fan of Sarah Schauer and Brittany Broski's Violating Community Guidelines back when it was a thing, so imagine how thrilled I was to discover it's spiritual successor. To be honest, I think I prefer the BCC Club's vibes more because of the two hosts being lesbians. I don't really have the time to do deep dives on random internet topics like I used to, so I'm happy to have a podcast that does it for me.
↬ Sad Boyz: My favorite podcast ever. I first discovered it back in 2019 as a senior in high school because I enjoyed Jarvis Johnson's videos, and wanted to hear more from him. This podcast was the first time I heard someone speak about their immigration struggles and how their life always felt like it was in limbo, and it was the first time that I felt seen. Emotional pervert for life
↬ Do We Know Them: I started watching this podcast after ditching H3 because I wanted a podcast that I could listen to about internet drama without them being zionists. I love Jessi and Lily, and the energy and care they bring to the subject matter they cover.
ʚɞ ⁺˖ ⸝⸝ Television
Television shows that I watched this quarter.
↬ Percy Jackson and the Olympians (Seasons 1): I actually never read the original books that this series was based on, but I wanted to watch this because a lot of my childhood friends did and I wanted to feel included. Because I don't have the original books to compare them to, I don't feel some of the levels of dissappointment that OG fans might.
↬ Yellowjackets (Seasons 1-2): I decided to watch this because lesbians. An incredible mix of mystery, suspense, horror and comedy rolled into one shoe. There are times that the characters frustrate me, but I have to remember that I'm not a teenage girl anymore so their actions won't always make sense to me. I love the fact that they jump back and forth between the teenage versions and adult versions of the characters.
↬ Fleabag directed by Phoebe Waller-Bridger: A filterless woman navigates life and love in London. I was convinced to watch this show because of a Youtube Short where fleabag confesses to wanting to fuck a priest...I meana, how could I _not _after that? A very unique show and one of the best ones that breaks the fourth wall.
↬ Hazbin Hotel directed by Vivienne Medrano: To be honest, I only watched this because my family has an Amazon Prime account and I wanted to be able to understand some memes about it on the internet, it's not something that I would've been inclined to watch otherwise. It was okay. I didn't hate it but I didn't love it either. The art style isn't the most appealing to me, and it feels like the dialouge was written by a teenage edgelord. I don't think the show needs to necessarily become "family friendly" persay, but it would come off a lot more developed if it leaned into the darker aspects a bit more to give the story more depth. The setting is Hell after all! On the positive side, I did enjoy the music. I will probably tune in to watch season 2 if/when it releases because I am curious to see how things further develop. Also, I relate to Charlie a little too much for my liking.
↬ Avatar the Last Airbender: The Legend of Korra (2014) created by Michael Dante DiMartino and Bryan Konietzko (Rewatch): I chose to rewatch this because I felt the intense urge see my girlfriend (Korra) again. The first time I watched this show I was 17, and it hits so much harder as an adult.
ʚɞ ⁺˖ ⸝⸝ Youtube Videos
Youtube videos that left an impact on me in some way, shape, or form that I'd reccommend to others. I put on a lot of Youtube in the background while I am doing other things so it'd be impossible for me to list every video I watched, but these are the ones I have things to say about.
↬ The Sims 2 Castaway: The Weirdest Sims Spinoff Game created by Izzzyzzz: I didn't grow up watching the Sims, so I'm always intrigued by any type of Sims retrospective.
↬ That Time Tumblr Invented Its Own Genders created by Strange Aeons: I was pretty young when MOGAI was more "in vogue", so it was interesting to hear about it from somebody that was actually old enough to understand what was happening in that era.
↬ The Sudden Disappearance of PBS kids Sprout created by Lulaloopsey: As someone who has been trying to figure out where "Sprout" dissappeared I was thrilled to find this video. Again, thankful that someone else did the research for me and compiled it into an easy to digest YouTube video.
↬ The Tragic Tale of Just Pearly Things created by J Aubrey: If Pearl has zero haters I'm dead.
↬ The Scandal That Rocked the Fishing Boat World created by Grayson's Projects: There is nothing that could've prepared me for what this video was actually about. I love hearing about mundane drama that I have no stakes in.
↬ What the New Twitch Meta is Actually Revealing created by Kuncan Daster: Honestly I'm not active on Twitch so I'm not familiar with the Twitch "culture", but I had fun watching someone analyze it.
↬ Kurtis & Dean: Always a Looming Apology created by Kuncan Daster: My mayor was involved, so I wanted to hear about what was going on.
↬ A Very Deep Dive into Shifting created by Strange Aeons: Absolute banger from Strange Aoens. The topic of shifting has always fascinated me because I've always just thought of it as intricate lucid dreaming, but this video dives much deeper.
↬ I lost my cat and found him 6 YEARS LATER...but now it's too late. (a story of letting go) created by Outer Edge Outpost (Isaac Marion): A story about love and loss. I'm not crying, you are.
↬ I Quit Social Media and Created a Website created by Lauren Julie: I think that it’s important to share perspectives from people who didn’t necessarily find joys in website building through Neocities. I like how...offline this video feels.
↬ The Subversive Power of the Lesbian Cheerleader created by Rowan Ellis: I love femme lesbians! I love when we subvert hetero norms!
↬ WEIRD Christian Knockoffs of American Girl Dolls created by SAVY WRITES BOOKS: I didn't grow up with American Girl dolls, so I watched this video as an outsider looking into this world. Incredibly fascinated by the number of people who thought they could do American girl dolls "better" but instead ended up doing it worse.
↬ "I never thought I'd fall for a scam, but..." created by SAVY WRITES BOOKS: This entire story was a trip from begginning to end.
↬ The Rise Of Frutiger Aero created by Izzyzzz: Recognized this style, never knew it had a name. It makes me sad to think about how optimisic we were about the future of technology before, lol.
↬ YouTubers Need to STOP Promoting BetterHelp created by The Kavernacle: The more I learn about BetterHelp the more I am disgusted by them.
↬ Is this author's husband trashing her novel on Goodreads? Maybe, but there's a bigger problem here. created by With Cindy: I love goodreads drama.
↬ Rich Girl Allowance Simulator: The Shopaholic Games created by Li Speaks: These games were my childhood!
↬ The Most Cursed Section of GirlsGoGames created by Li Speaks: To be honest I don't really remember this section of GGG, but I'm glad a retrospective was made on it.
↬ Consuming Content is NOT a hobby... ? created by Naomi Cannibal: A good reminder that content sonsumption is not a hobby!! We are more than the things we consume!!
ʚɞ ⁺˖ ⸝⸝ Misc. Media
Miscellaneous things I consumed this quarter that I want to log and share that don't fit in any other category.
↬ Quiet on Set: The Dark Side of Kids TV (2024) directed by Mary Robertson: Words cannot describe how much of a gutpunch this entire docuseries was. I actually never watched any of the shows mentioned, funnily enough because my mom found them inapropriate for me to watch, but Nick was still a big part of my childhood through their cartoons. To a certain extent I've always been aware that the acting industry was throughly corrupt and vile especially for children, but some of the things this docuseries brought to life were things that I could not have ever concocted in my wildest dreams.
Do I Contradict Myself? Very Well Then I Contradict Myself, (I Am Large, I Contain Multitudes.)
⊹ ࣪ ˖ ꒰ঌ Currently... ໒꒱ ⊹ ࣪ ˖
Mood: Accepting
Weather: Mostly Cloudy
Listening to: "So American" by Olivia Rodrigo
Reading: The Premed Playbook Guide to the Medical School Personal Statement: Everything You Need to Successfully Apply by Ryan Gray
Watching: The Legend of Korra: Book Two: Spirits
Playing: Nothing (...Pokemon Go? Neopets?)
Drinking: Iced Caramel Latte
Perfume: Sweet Tooth by Sabrina Carpenter layered with Midnight Amber Glow by Bath and Body Works
Feeling yourself grow up and change is so strange. Whenever I notice something different about myself, even if it's just the accumulation of a bunch of small changes finally making a bigger difference in my life, it feels so alien. When I become aware of a "shift" in who I am and what I value in life, my immediate feeling is discomfort. It really sucks that this is my gut reaction because more often than not, the changes that I notice are positive and serve to enrich my life. I think I just don't like change. It's not a matter of disliking not being in control, because as I previously mentioned, it usually is a result of me taking control that things change. I actually consider myself to be very "go-with-the-flow" and adaptable when changes occur as a result of other people. Part of it is because I've had to be, but regardless of why I'm like this I've been told that I handle stress very well when things go awry due to external influences. So why is it that when I start to crave exercising everyday, a goal that I've been working towards for ages now, it makes my stomach sink?
I'm not diagnosed with anything that would make me neurodivergent, and will never seek any diagnoses because of the implications it'd have on my life as an already marginalized person. That being said, I find a lot of ADHD and autism tips that get sprinkled across the internet to be extremely helpful. Something that people with autism struggle with is "static thinking" or "black-and-white thinking", and I find that this resonates a lot with how I think about myself. I feel like I hear about "black-and-white thinking" a lot in regards to external situations, but I personally struggle to see myself as a dynamic ever changing organism. The monkey brain in me wants to perceive myself as a static person that will stay consistent like a fictional character. But I'm not a fictional character. I am not plot driven and two dimensional. I am influenced by the world around me. For as long as I can remember, I've hated exercising, but now that I've started to enjoy exercise (or how I feel after I exercise), it fills me with a feeling of malaise because who I am is changing. Now that I have some semblance of why I feel this way, I'm trying to become okay with feeling the initial discomfort, sitting with it, allowing my perception of self to change, and proceeding on in my life healthier and happier.
When I started to spend more time by myself, I realized that I didn't really know who I was and was dependent on other people to define who I am for me. Honestly, I perceive that a lot of the world pities me and looks down on me. Once all that noise disappeared I was forced to discover who I was, find parts of myself that I was not fully aware of before, as well as find places that I was lacking in that I'd like to develop more.
Something that I used to be really insecure about in the past was being "out of the loop" of popular culture. Between being a child with niche interests and having immigrant parents that I couldn't learn cultural references from via osmosis, I often had no clue what my classmates or friends were referencing or talking about. It seems like a really miniscule thing in hindsight, but at the time I was already dealing with feelings of detachment from others, so my inability to connect with others in this way made me feel awful. At the time, there were many popular television shows that I hadn't watched because my mother wouldn't allow me to, and many popular musicians I hadn't heard of because I felt like I couldn't relate to liking their sound or lyrics. At that age, I better related to anime characters in extremely exagerated fictionalized environments and vocaloids that told elaborate stories through their songs rather than listening to another pop song about heartbreak on the radio or watching serious movies about social norms that I couldn't understand. At one point, I became determined to no longer be an "outsider" in this regard, and I became addicted to watching countless television shows and listening to music from musicians that I didn't care about just to fit in. As a combination of my addictive personality and desire to catch up socially, there was a time in my life where I'd spend hours of my day wasting it on the internet just to make sure that I knew everything about anything that I could, just so that on the off chance that I was in a social interaction with someone, I wouldn't be ostracized for not knowing about something. It was awful. I hated myself for it. Especially because I know that if I was not living with my parents, I wouldn't have been able to take care of myself sufficiently. I have a lot of interests, and a lot of my interests have communities behind them: the personal/independent web, jfashion (girly kei and lolita), vocaloid, youtubers, game dev, podcasters. Even in my more niche interests, I didn't want to be "behind". I never wanted to be behind. At some point, it got to the point where I wasn't completing the basic things I needed to survive or get done. Luckily, because I lived with my parents, I was always well taken care of, but there was always a gremlin in my soul tugging away at me for not being a normal "functioning" person. In my head, everyone was born into this world with a little handbook teaching them how to be a functional and social human and mine never got delivered. So I've always been behind, always been forced to try to catch up.
I was always afraid to even indulge in some of my interests online because I was afraid of being seen as a "fake fan" of something if I didn't go "all the way" for some of the things I loved like constantly attending livestreams, or running and being an active fan account and being a good "mutual". I was perpetually keeping myself in a state of misery because of my own toxic standards and need to be everything to everyone. But it's impossible to be everything to everyone. I thought that the only things being worth into is whatever's "popular", not the things that I personally enjoyed. But the reality is, I work in seasons. I have a lot of interests, and they ebb and flow, and modern social media and the relationships that they cultivate do not allow space for that. People are expected to "niche down" and I don't want that for myself. Although I don't believe that modern social media is all bad, it's undeniable the effect it had on my perception of people, relationships, and myself.
I sadly don't recall which Youtuber said this, but they talked about how sometimes Youtubers who decide to quit the platform and pursue a "normal" job sometimes feeling like they are "losing the game". But are they really losing the game if they are quitting Youtube to pursue a career that is better for them? Having social credit and being popular isn't everything, especially being popular on the internet. It made me think about my mindset about having to feel like I was caught up on everything. I realized that I really don't want to be caught up on everything all the time. I used to believe that it was social media feeds that were the problem— the ads, the lack of privacy, the algorithm, the shortform content. In truth that was only part of the problem for me. I discovered RSS, and subscribed to the RSS feeds of everything that I could, but that only raised new problems for me. The longer I'd avoid my RSS feed, the more unread feed items would appear. At some point, I was spending more time than I was comfortable with just clearing my RSS feed reader. I wasn't even meaningfully interacting with the content that was appearing on my RSS feed anymore. It made me realize that I needed to let go of the feeling I've felt since a young age to "catch up", even if it filled me with an initial feeling of discomfort. I will never catch up. It is not possible to catch up because there will always be an endless feed of content to consume. I have to redirect my addictive tendencies elsewhere. I needed to let myself finally "lose the game": achieving the unttainable goal that I had set up for myself when I was younger. What I thought would make me happy (always being up to date on everything) was not bringing me happiness and fufillment. So I finally let myself lose the game. I want to use my completionist and perfectionism tendencies towards building a better and more fufilling life for myself.
I have been redirecting my addictive tendencies to other places now. Rather than allowing myself to become addicted to long form content like 2 hour long YouTube video essays or the endless tiktok or twitter scroll, my hits of dopamine come from completing tasks on my to-do list and doing small things to take care of myself, including but not limited to my exercise goals. I've been channeling my addictive tendencies into becoming invested in musicians and their discographies. I have only been allowing myself to be sucked into the things that serve me. Music is shorter than television shows or movies, and if I choose to take a break from my work to listen to a song, it will only set me back in my schedule a couple of minutes rather than setting me back 2 hours or giving me task switching hangover. Music also is a way for me to connect with other people, so I am still giving myself a way to be able to form connections with others whether it's through bonding over enjoying the same musicians or being able to introduce them to something new. I am able to listen to music while doing other things (i.e. my eyes don't have to glued to the screen to understand what's happening). I love being able to decipher the stories that musicians tell through their music. It is also capable of putting me in the mood to do more of the things I like: writing and art! In the past community wise, I was spending so much time consuming other people's work for "inspiration" that I wasn't even creating my own art anymore. It'd end up turning into doom scrolling, because I'd start to make myself feel worse about not creating while also obsessing over other's work. Ever since I started sourcing my validation from myself, I'm less inclined to feel pressure to be active in communities of my interests in order to make sure that people will interact with my content. I feel lighter and free. It's a lot more fun for me to channel that obsessive energy into things that I'll personally never be a part of like the music or movie industry. It hits a little less close to home consuming these things, so I'm able to consume that content without guilt. I don't feel lazy for scrolling instead of creating. Instead, I bookmark the pages of artists and websites that I like, so that I can choose to go visit on my own terms.
Maybe there are people out there who are able to be socially aware with the happenings of the world, take care of themselves, while also being able to do heavy brain things like keeping up with their school work. But I am not naturally one of those people. I've learned what's important to me and what to prioritize, and these things might not be the same for everyone. Accepting myself where I am as who I am has greatly improved my quality of life. I don't want to be the same person that I was when I was 16 years old. I want to grow and change and blossom into the person I want to be, even if it brings me discomfort due to change and letting go of things that were once important to me. I want to accept that although I was not the best person in the past, I simply did not have the resources and the experience to be the person that I am today. I don't want to hate the past version of myself for having different priorities than I do now; I want to accept myself growing and evolving, just as humans are meant to do. I want to accept that as I gain more life experience, I will change and I will have to get used to it. I want to accept that a "future me" may contradict a "current me" and that's normal. I was not put on this Earth to be popular or understood by people. I was put on this Earth to simply live.
Went through my old Tumblr blog from 2017-2018 and found this image that I had tagged "mecore". I need to remind myself of this sometimes!
Applying to Med School Makes Me Feel Like My Insides Are Being Scooped Out By A Melon Baller (Yet I Persevere)
⊹ ࣪ ˖ ꒰ঌ Currently... ໒꒱ ⊹ ࣪ ˖
Mood: Anxious, but Determined
Weather: Partly Cloudy
Listening to: Can’t Catch Me Now by Olivia Rodrigo (+ her album GUTS)
Reading: My Figure Zine by Ophazines (You should read it too here) (๑>•̀๑)
Watching: The Anti-Trans Propaganda Film Made by a Cult Video Essay by Jessi Gender
Playing: That's Not My Neighbor
Drinking: Iced Lavender Matcha Latte
Perfume: Fireside Flurries by Bath and Body Works
I generally look forward to writing blog posts as a form of mindfulness, but for whatever reason I've really been struggling with articulating my feelings this time around.
I will be attempting to apply to medical schools again within the next few months, and if I'm being completely honest, thinking about it makes my insides turn inside out. I was supposed to apply last year and only take one gap year, but midway through the process and application cycle, in lack of better words, I fell apart. I try not to be too hard on myself about it, I was in a really dark place this time last year after everything I was forced to shoulder immigration wise on my own with little presedence or guidance. I want to be a doctor, and I want to work in the healthcare field. This much I know. Being completely candid, if I'm not doing something in healthcare, I'm not sure what else I like enough that I'd be willing to do as a job.
I'm in a better place now, but everytime I start to work on my application, I feel myself become paralyzed. It's weird. I should be excited to be making tangible steps towards what I want for my future, but instead I become full of dread. I mentioned this a couple of blog posts ago, but I don't let the world define who I am anymore. It's not a mindset that I adopted overnight. It took a lot of hard work, discipline, and a year of girlrotting to change my unhealthy thought patterns. Ever since I was a young child, I depended on the opinions of other people for my sense of self. For example, I used to think I didn't suit the color pink or soft aesthetics because I was a midsized brown person, not a pale ghostly thin white girl. I saw myself as a brutish and uncouth individual. Whenever I was in a same sex relationship, I was always seen as the "masculine" one. Whenever I saw brown femmes unabashedly embrace their feminity I felt myself become green with envy, because why were they able to ignore what "society" deemed appropriate for darker skinned femmes? I always thought that I'd be making a fool of myself if I reached for the things that appealed to me rather than what the world thought suited me best.
Since unintentionally isolating myself after graduating undergrad, I learned to listen to my own inner voice a lot more without letting other people sway my thoughts and emotions. For the first time in my life, I was free from the expectations and pressure of "keeping up" in my life. I've since come to understand that I both look and feel my best when I'm being true to myself, and trusting my gut. I feel like ive reached the point where i dont feel like i need to overexplain my circumstances and life story to validate my emotions to other people, yet im gonna have to essentially do that in my application again, and this subconciously keeps me from prepping. It feels like returning to a mindset that I've outgrown. By recounting my memories of undergrad via writing for my application and reaching out to old mentors for letters of reccomendation, I feel like I'm taking steps back in my mental health recovery even though that's not necessarily true. I don't want to have to verbalize and recount how I felt during 2020, trying to learn acid-base chemistry during the peak of the pandemic while simultaneously being worried sick about USCIS processing delays and the possibilities of Trump being elected again for another 4 year term, and not even having a voice in what happens in the country I live in because my family cannot legally vote. I am afraid of how dehumanizing and re-traumatizing it is going to make me feel trying to verbally articulate why I am American through and through despite not having the legal papers to prove it. I am afraid that I am going to set myself back mentally, only for it to end up meaning nothing if I don't get accepted to any medical schools this cycle. I am not looking forward to "traumadumping" on my applications while simulataneously having to play it off as it having not affected me for a sliver of empathy from an admissions comittee. I know that there's no way for me to truly "go back"— I was who I was back then, and between me aging, becoming wiser, and having life circumstances change there's really nothing that will bring me "back" to being my "old self" that I worked so hard to grow past. But sometimes feelings are illogical and irrational.
I am not going to be a perfect medical school applicant. I've failed classes, I've retaken classes. My grades are good, but not perfect. I don't have a 99th percentile MCAT score. During my undergraduate days, I used to live in constant anxiety that nothing I do will ever be good enough and that I'll never get into med school no matter what I do. I've lived in the United States since I was eight, but got stuck in the greencard backlog and aged out of my parents' application, so when I apply to medical school, I'll have to apply as an international student. Medical school acceptance rates for American citizens are about 40%, which is already pretty low. But that’s nothing compared to rates for “international students”, which are about 8%. Because of this, even though most of my life has been in the States, I don’t know if I have a future in this country, and living in this constant state of limbo is extremely mentally exhausting. Before I finally had time to refine my coping skills during the past year, there were many days where I could barely hold it together. It was a horrible feedback loop of knowing that I had to keep studying and working hard because I'd be stressed about my future, my mental health would become worse because I was overworking and overextending myself, the quality of my work would decrease, rinse and repeat. I had to continuously reassure my parents that they hadn't ruined my life by moving to America, and I was always afraid to voice how I was really feeling because I didn't want them to feel like their sacrifices were nothing. I felt like I was being divinely punished by god that I had to work harder than the people I grew up with just to live the "same" lives as them, just because my dad was born in the "wrong" country. I didn't understand why I wasn't allowed to do the basic things my friends around me could do: get their driver's licenses, get their first jobs, take out student loans to move away far for college. I didn't understand why I had to work 10 times harder than everyone else to be considered for an entry level job, hope and pray that said entry level job would be willing to extend a work visa for me, and then maybe, just maybe sponser a greencard for me. And then, maybe after five years of having a greencard, I can study for and maybe pass an American citizenship test. Just for a piece of paper that will give me the rights that my 14 years (and counting) of having lived and grown up in the United States isn't enough to afford me. There were many times during undergrad that I had to advocate for myself just to be given opportunities. It became so exhausting to act strong all the time. I was always so tired. I am still very tired. That's why I became a hikikomori for a year unintentionally after graduating. I wasn't able to keep the strong person persona, and I was afraid of it costing me my already limited opportunities. So I dissappeared without saying anything to my IRL friends and mentors. It was easier than dealing with the consequences of potentially letting my mask slip.
I am stronger now. I listen to my inner voice and gut a lot more. I have a better understanding of who I am these days. I give myself the space to feel sad and other negative emotions now instead of feeling like I need to act like a strong and inspirational person all of the time. I've changed my mindset to make sure that the only person's opinion that I value the most is my own. I can't change how the world sees me. I can't change how the world thinks of me. But that's okay. At the end of the day, everyone else can walk away from me, but I have to live with myself forever. I might as well be someone that I like. Hopefully along the way of being authentically myself, I reach my dreams of working in the medical field, I hope as a doctor, but I'll be okay no matter where I land. I hope that I make and keep friends who see me as I am and love me for me. I've mastered loving myself and spending time with myself while self-isolating, but my next step is mastering loving myself while dealing with day to day stressors, both from career and interpersonal relationships. I need to learn how to keep loving myself and who I am while being face-to-face with a person who pities me or doesn't think I'm worth my oats. Something that I didn't understand when I was young, is that everyone is born into this world with their baggage of sludge. Some people are born into poverty and live paycheck to paycheck. Some people deal with being born with an absent father, emotionally or physically. Some people live with particular health conditions that make living difficult. My immigration story is my baggage of sludge. I'm still me despite everything. I'm me because of everything I've been through. My history simulataneously makes me who I am and does not define me at all. It's wonderful.
When I was beginning my healing journey in 2022, a book that really helped me was Supernormal: The Untold Story of Adversity and Resilience by Meg Jay, PhD. In this book, Jay recounts the histories of ordinary people who came out of their adversities extraordinary. Something that stood out to me was her acknowledging that there are adversities out there that do not have a label associated with it. At the time, I didn't know that there was a word to describe what I was experiencing (immigration insecurity), but it made me finally acknowledge that I was experiencing hardships in my life, and that I as a person, am not inherently stupid for struggling through it. On the contrary, I am very strong. I am extraordinary and resilient for surviving it all and continuing to do so. It is a wonderful book and reassures it's reader that they are not predestined to any particular behavior. The book does contain research, statistics and the history of psychology but were integrated in the story, in my opinion, well. I reccomend this book to anyone needs reassurance that they are not alone, and that they are resilient.
♡